Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
