McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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