The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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