She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize