somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
