This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
