My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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