Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
a search helicopter?!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
