Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
