who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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