So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
