Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Two words: blizzard sex
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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