I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
