well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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