I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
you had me at cake vodka
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
