Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
