As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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