we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
