One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm gonna fight the coyote
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
