evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
