I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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