I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
