Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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