I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
