can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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