Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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