I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
