Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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