Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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