My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
