Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
