matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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