this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
