Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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