Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
