my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
