I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
