1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
