You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
