I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize