i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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