Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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