omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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