Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
