i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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