so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
