1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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