I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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