Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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