How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
