i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
