The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
