Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
