Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
