Ambien. No doubt about it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
