I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
