we're chasing vodka with high fives
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
