So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
