Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize