Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
