No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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